How to ask for what you want in bed

  • August 27, 2020
  • In Sex

As much as we would like it, our partners are not mind readers. While sometimes they may hit the spot exactly, sometimes they may spend the entire time in bed doing something that you just wish they would stop doing. Short of tapping them on the head like a school teacher, what on earth can you do? Thankfully, there is a solution. Gone are the days when a person would ‘lie back and think of England’; we are all now in control of our sexuality more than ever before. So, cutting straight to it, here’s our top tips for how to get what you want in bed.

1. Show them what you want

Whoever said that you always have to use words? If your partner isn’t picking up on the cues you’re sending out, then it’s time to show them. Start touching yourself in the way you want to be touched, or guide their hands (or mouth) to where you want them to be. Once they start, make the right noises and they should get the picture pretty easily. And on the other hand, if they’re doing something you don’t like, don’t be afraid to move to another position; you don’t have to like it! Without a doubt your partner would much rather be doing something you do enjoy. With clear communication, everyone’s a winner!

2. Compliment, don’t complain

The last thing you want to do is make your partner feel bad about what they’ve been doing. This is about gentle improvements rather than put-downs. Here’s three ways to do it: Offer positive feedback on the things you do like. Put the focus on the good rather than the bad, for example, “I really like it when you …” Offer your own improvements first by asking them what they would like. “Is there anything you want to try? / Is there anything you want me to do?” Make a gentle request. “I’d like you to do more…”

3. Give enthusiastic encouragement

Genuine enthusiasm can be an incredible turn on in the heat of the moment. If your partner takes your hints and starts doing something that you love, don’t be afraid to be vocal about it. Positive reinforcement really works.

4. Never fake it

Never ever ever fake it. You want to feel the right pleasure, and your partner wants to satisfy you properly, so lying or faking orgasms doesn’t do anybody any favours.

5. Come up with it in the moment

Sometimes we get a surge of confidence when our inhibitions are lowered, so seize the moment and ask for what you want. “You know what would be really hot? If you played with my nipples”, or whatever it is you fancy. Rather than feeling like they are being schooled, it’ll come across more as a sexy suggestion that you just happened to think of.

6. Don’t compromise

We’re not saying that the ‘issues’ will magically disappear overnight. It may take a few more gentle nudges before your partner finally gets the message, but what’s important is that improvements are made and they show that they are committed to your pleasure. Vagina-owners typically take longer than penis-owners to orgasm, and that is mainly achieved through external clitoral stimulation as opposed to the act of P in V sex itself. Feelings of frustration and impatience are normal, but what’s vital is that your partner shows their commitment to helping you experience pleasure. It may also take you several attempts to communicate with your partner, and that’s ok, this kind of thing takes practice. But we promise that it’s well worth pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in order to get what you want in bed.


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