LVH Ladies Room Week 4: Eating out & vegetable related issues!

Welcome to LVH Ladies Room. This is your space where you can ask for advice about sex and relationships from our expert - a woman whose idea of store cupboard essentials is lube and batteries. Whatever is on your mind – Ask LVH!

Dear LVH

I am a passionate lover of organic fruit and veg, AND inventive sex toys. My local farmers markets make me salivate in more ways than one. Have you heard of any particular fresh produce that might intensify pleasure and give the ultimate orgasm? Also, any advice for corn on the cob? M.K. San Diego, USA.

Well, I imagine you’ve explored cucumbers, carrots, bananas and anything that is phallic shaped already. Furthermore, I don’t believe there is much that can be done with mange tout, except to mange tout them! As for corn on the cob, I advise you to put a condom on it, as it has the vile habit of getting stuck in your teeth.

Dear LVH

My husband is obsessed with the government’s ‘Eat Out to Help Out’ campaign. Not because he wants takeaways or restaurant meals, but because it makes him want to perform oral sex. I’m completely bored with him wanting to go down on me every time the advert appears. What should I do? A.W. Glasgow, UK.

I should write to the Prime Minister and explain your dilemma. Point out to him the true meaning in common parlance (not the vulgar Latin he uses) of the latest ‘catchy’ slogan. As for your husband, I believe there is a way to put him off ever eating out again: declare a soap and water strike down there!

Dear LVH

Please help! I was horrified during sex for the first time with my new boyfriend to discover that his penis is shaped like a small fat carrot. We met online and he sent me a handful of dick pics, but it looked far bigger in them than it does in real life! It’s a real turn off for me, or am I being shallow? E.D. Malmö, Sweden

The real issue here is not the size or shape of his penis, but the fact that he breached trade descriptions by sending fake dick pics. Perhaps you should sympathetically consider why he did that, and discuss it with him, before ditching him because you’re obsessed by appearances.

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Welcome to LVH Magazine, the grown-up publication that covers fun conversations about erotica, sex and romance, and the occasional serious discussion on issues surrounding female empowerment. Our articles are contributed by a feisty vibrant team of writers from various walks of life, all hailing from different countries and cultures, and offering differing perspectives on life.

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