Why men do the shit they do – Part 1
It is a common refrain amongst my male brethren that women are mysterious creatures that we will never fully be able to understand. However, I will also admit that when it comes to the tumult of sex, dating, relationships and so on, guys do some pretty batshit crazy things too.
In this new series ‘Why men do the shit they do’, I will attempt to provide some insight into the workings of the male mind (such as it is). My colleague (and LVH office ‘cracker-of-the-whip’) Sara has helpfully curated list of the most mystifying and annoying things men do whilst dating and in relationships, which I can hopefully shed some light on.
So, here we go.
Declaring his adoration for you and ability to commit, too early. Did it occur to you that not all women are after a commitment? Calm down.
Sara, true to form, bringing out the big guns right from the get go. I myself have been guilty of this one on more than one occasion. There are a couple of reasons guys do this, one of which is probably surprising to a lot of women. Yeah, some times, he’s just trying to get into your pants and he figures this is the best way to do it.
However, these early declarations are more likely driven by the fact that guys are way more romantic, and in love with the idea of being in love, than we are often given credit for. We men know, somewhere deep down, that we are actually pretty useless when left to our own devices. The reality is that we are often the best version of ourselves when we are in a relationship, so sometimes we are a bit too eager to just get there; even if we cannot always recognize what we are doing or why.
It’s best to think of us as an overeager Labrador: sometimes we just need a whack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper to get us to settle the fuck down.
After said declaration, he gets hero’s remorse and immediately starts pulling away in an attempt to restore his own sense of “control”. Nobody asked for the sun, moon and rainbows from you. Just reply to the text, it’s polite. If you’re seeing a capable, independent woman, there’s no need to exaggerate your willingness to commit. If you’re just after a shag, be honest about it. You might still get shagged!
You’ve seen that scene in countless movies where our hero is faced with a moral dilemma, when there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, each making their case. Guys are always in the middle of that kind of internal discussion and debate. As I mentioned, we want to be in a relationship because when we are, we are usually being our best selves; but we also really like doing stupid stuff.
The control here refers to us wanting to eat cereal for dinner, or spend all Saturday drinking with our mates in the pub and watching football. The remorse is just the simple fear that any normal, reasonable woman would not want us doing that. This applies even when we know what we want to do is counterproductive. When the indomitable Keiko Kobayashi is away on business, I’m legitimately useless. It’s during these times that I might often consider a vodka and orange juice to be a well-rounded breakfast.
As for just being honest, if you are only after a shag, it takes us men a long time to learn this one. There is something in our brains that is wired to believe a woman could not possibly want random, no-strings-attached sex as much as we do. Of course, one of life’s great joys is coming to understand this, but for most guys they will be moving through their 30s and beyond before this lesson is learned.
Branding a woman as “needy” if she drunk dials you. You should be flattered. In her drunken stupor, she is thinking of you instead of taking home the guy at the bar who’s been hitting on her all night.
This again goes to the issue of control and guys wanting to be free to do stupid stuff. If you drunk dial a guy and he doesn’t answer or seems aloof, it is because he is either a) with another woman, b) getting drunk with his buddies, or c) watching Black Hawk Down.
There is another option of course, in which he is actually home alone, not doing much at all. In this case he will not brand you as needy but will instantly think “hello, bootycall!” and tell you to get your drunken ass over to his place pronto.